BY SARAH LIEDTKE PACKER
I studied the soft curve of Halie’s jaw and adjusted my shading accordingly. She squinted at her nails as if they’d magically reveal the answers for next period’s pre-algebra test. I looked down at my drawing again and when I looked back up, she’d unraveled a paperclip and was using it to clean underneath her nails. They were bitten down so far that she had to really dig.
I tried to focus on my drawing, but every time I looked up at her for reference, my eyes were drawn to her hands. I watched her struggle to burrow underneath the sliver of a thumbnail on her right hand with caterpillars crawling around in my gut. My fingers twitched, longing to reach over and confiscate the paper clip before she ended up shoving it in hard enough to draw blood. At the first glimpse of red, I surged forward, sending my sketchbook skidding across the floor.
“Oh my god! Are you okay?” I asked, grabbing her wrist and pulling it closer. Before I could get a good look, though, she snatched her hand back and stuck her thumb into her mouth.
“It’s fine,” she mumbled, shrugging. “Just a bit of blood.” Her lips were pursed and I zoned out studying the exaggerated curves of her cupid’s bow. The edges of my vision started to blur and the caterpillars in my stomach bloomed into butterflies, swooping low and then shooting up, getting caught in my throat.
Time stopped alongside my breathing, leaving us suspended in a liminal space between what had happened already and what would happen next. She was the one who broke the spell, letting her thumb fall from her lips and then pressing them against mine. My brain lit up, struck by lightning. I’d never thought of girls in that way before, but a puzzle piece clicked into place for me that day.
The kiss only lasted for a few seconds before we pulled away, grinning and gasping for breath in the negative space between us. Blinking once, twice, three times, my vision cleared and revealed Halie’s lips pressed together to hold back a smile. My phone vibrated in my pocket and I pulled it out to read a text from my other best friend, Chandra. The first robotics meeting of the year is next Wednesday! Just give it a chance, I think you’d really like it. I made a mental note to respond later; Halie and I had to get back to class. We were only a month into our sophomore year, and I didn’t want to get detention that early in the semester.
Later that night, I shut myself in my room and pulled out my phone to read Halie’s latest text. My mom’s hosting bible study at our house this week, kill me!!!! I rolled my eyes at her dramatics but typed out a sympathetic response. That sucks. What’s the topic this week? It only took her a few seconds to write back. They’re not even talking about the bible, just gossiping about this kid at our church who got sent to conversion camp. I held my breath, trying to decide whether or not I should bring up our kiss, hope and anxiety rising and falling in my chest. Was this her way of bringing it up without really bringing it up? What did she want me to say?
Halie sent another message before I settled on an answer, changing the topic and giving me emotional whiplash. Anyway, the new Taylor Swift album comes out in a month!!! Did you see that someone leaked one of the songs?
For two hours we fell into a frenzied version of our usual nightly routine. My fingers flew across my keyboard to keep up with her constant stream of messages, none of which mentioned our kiss. That didn’t bother me; I didn’t really want to talk about it either. I had no idea what to say, or what I felt, other than an intense, burning need to kiss her again.
At least it didn’t bother me until she stopped responding. We always said goodnight before going to sleep, so I gave her a few minutes in case she just jumped in the shower or went to brush her teeth. After twenty minutes of radio silence, I felt a familiar weight drop into my chest. When she went incommunicado, it usually meant something bad was happening.
U okay??? I sent, watching the blue bubble form underneath my previous text. Agitation set in, a kind of shapeless frustration without an outlet. I forced myself to roll over onto my back and stared up at the few remaining glow-in-the-dark stars stuck there. That lasted all of nineteen seconds, the length of a single round of the 4-7-8 breathing technique my therapist swears helps alleviate anxiety, before I was up and puttering around my room looking for something — anything! — to distract me, but even re-organizing my desk drawers couldn’t keep my thoughts from racing. What if she regretted our kiss? What if her parents found out somehow? Would they ground her? Beat her? Kick her out? Was she out on the streets right now, shivering in the cold somewhere with no money and nowhere to go? Or, worse, was she hurting herself again?
I crossed the room, seeking out my phone, but there were no new notifications. I huffed out a sigh and threw it down onto my comforter, but within seconds I snatched it back up and sent another message to Halie. I know you’re probably fine but when you see this can you let me know for sure? After another fifteen minutes with no response, I tried calling her. The line went straight to voicemail and I buried a scream in the worn-down fur of my stuffed pig.
I’m not proud of it, but I ended up sending her seventeen texts that night, each more frantic than the last, leaving a timeline of my temporary descent into madness. But the next day, I walked into the cafeteria before school and she was there, holding court at our usual table.
“Hey, Hales,” I said, dropping my backpack to the ground and sliding into the seat to her left. I nudged her shoulder with mine, coaxing a shy grin out of her. “Everything okay? You stopped responding last night.”
“Oh yeah, sorry about that. My dad took my phone away.” She shrugged and turned away, diving back into the conversation of the group around us. I listened but kept quiet. A hazy fog swirled around my heart every time she addressed someone else instead of me. Everything seemed fine, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was off.
In the aftermath of The Kiss, my chest was a helium balloon growing bigger by the day. I felt myself floating higher, getting sucked further into her orbit. Sometimes she’d grab my hand while we walked down the hallways. We swung them between us, exaggerating to make sure that everyone knew it was a joke. We’re just friends, we’d say when someone asked if we were dating. Friends can hold hands, it’s not that serious.
A few weeks later, at lunch, Chandra asked me yet again to join the robotics team. We’d been joined at the hip since Kindergarten, but when we got to high school, the need to define ourselves as individuals had snuck in. She had jumped right into building robots while I was busy befriending Halie.
“Come to the meeting tonight,” she pleaded. She smiled, but the crinkles around her eyes were missing. I felt my resolve start to buckle under the weight of the hurt hidden behind her upturned lips. “Just to check it out. If you hate it you never have to come back.”
“I dunno,” I said, deflecting. “What would I even do there? I’m getting a D in physics right now, and that’s with your help.”
“Yeah, but you’re crazy good at geometry, and we could use someone with actual artistic ability on the design team. Jacob likes to think that he’s good at drawing, but he’s more of an engineer than an artist…” As Chandra launched into a monologue, I tried to catch Halie’s eye out of the corner of my own. Her lips tugged up into a small smile.
“C’mon, Mee, please?” My childhood nickname came in hot on the heels of Chandra’s world-famous puppy dog eyes and I sighed.
“Maybe we should both join,” Halie interjected, nudging my foot under the table. Across from me, Chandra’s brows furrowed, eyes narrowed at Halie.
“Yeah, that would be fun!” I exclaimed, pumping my voice full of enthusiasm.
When Halie and I showed up to the meeting after school, Chandra was already there talking to a tall, broad-shouldered blond guy.
“Mia!” she shouted, beckoning me over. I turned to look at Halie, shrugged, and crossed the room to join them. She trailed behind me, shuffling like I was leading her to the gallows.
“We were just talking about the drive train, which is what makes the robot move,” Chandra explained, gesturing to a pad of grid paper on the table next to us. The drawing was rough, but I could see the outline of the robot starting to take shape underneath the eraser marks and scribbled notes. My fingers itched with the need to reach out, to clear away the clutter and fix it. I clenched and unclenched my fists at my sides.
“I can’t figure out where to put the sensors,” Jacob explained.
I grabbed his discarded pencil and gestured to the paper. “Do you mind?”
“Not at all. Go for it, please. Mechanical has been bugging me for the plans all week. If you can figure it out, I’ll owe you one.” Halie hopped up onto the table next to me and pulled out her phone. While I sketched out a clean copy of Jacob’s design, I could feel her growing restless, swinging her legs and sighing.
“I have to pee, do you want to come with me?” she said eventually, directing her question to me alone with a mischievous glint in her eyes. I bit my lip to keep my face neutral as I nodded. She grabbed my hand and tugged me away from the table.
“We’ll be right back,” I called over my shoulder as we left. We ducked into the nearest bathroom, falling to the ground in a fit of giggles. Halie pushed herself up on her knees and leaned forward to press our foreheads together, the icy blue of her irises swallowed by black.
“Hi,” I whispered, nudging her nose with mine and bringing our lips even closer together.
“Hi,” she whispered back through tiny giggles that rang in my ears like bells. I could feel her breath, warm against my already-flushed skin. We sank into a kiss, letting our eyes flicker shut as the room started to blur out of focus around us. Teenage lust melted my brain into a puddle of caveman speak. Kiss. Halie. Lips. Soft. Hand. Skin. Soft. Must. Have. More. I had no idea how much time passed; kissing her was like falling into quicksand. Consuming me bit by bit until, all of a sudden, she was everywhere.
When the door creaked open, my reflexes snapped into survival mode. I scrambled away from Halie and turned to see Chandra standing in the doorway.
“Sorry,” she said, ducking her head and covering her eyes. “I just wanted to make sure you were okay.” My heart sagged, tucking its tail between its legs.
Halie slipped out the door and my feet tingled; I had to curl my toes to keep myself from following her automatically. I shoved myself back against the wall and my fingers tapped against the side of my thigh in a familiar pattern; pinky, ring finger, middle finger, pointer finger, thumb.
“I’m really sorry, Mee,” Chandra said as she sat down in front of me. She reached forward and grabbed my hand to stop my tapping. I felt the familiar vines of panic crawling up my throat. “I didn’t mean to interrupt. I had no idea that you were…”
“You can say it,” I grumbled. “Gay. It’s not a bad word.”
“I know, it’s just…” She frowned and scrunched up her nose. “Halie.”
I scoffed and pawed at my eyes to clear away the tears before they fell. “It’s supposed to be a secret, but half the school already thinks we’re dating.” My classmates’ voices burst into a chorus inside my head, growing into hands that reached out and clamped around my neck. I was vaguely aware that Chandra was talking to me, but it was getting hard to breathe and I couldn’t focus on what she was saying. Her voice blended in with the others and she became just another laughing face in the crowd swallowing me whole. My body shook from the effort it took to keep myself from crying and I knew it was only a matter of time before my emotions came tumbling out, so I tore my hand away from Chandra’s and fled the bathroom.
When I felt the rush of cool air hit my face, my legs gave out and I fell to my knees. White-hot tears stained the sidewalk, leaving burning trails down my cheeks. Pull yourself together, I scolded myself, pressing the heels of my hands into my eyes until black spots started flickering in and out of focus. You can’t fall apart right now. When my tears slowed to a trickle, I opened my eyes again, blinking against the harsh afternoon sunlight.
As I biked home, I tried to put the broken pieces of my brain back together by going through all the homework I still had to do that night. School made sense; there was a logical order to things. The more work you put in, the better your grades. By the time I pulled into my driveway, my plan was running through my head like a mantra. Math homework, English reading, study for physics. I clung to my mental lifeline and shut myself into the warm embrace of my room with only my textbooks for company.
“Your mom mentioned that you’re starting to get more rigid about your study schedule again. Have you been trying the breathing exercises we talked about last time?” My therapist asked, peering at me over the frames of her reading glasses.
“Yeah,” I said, shrugging. “They’re fine, I guess.”
“You guess?” One of her eyebrows raised, waiting for me to continue.
“I mean, yeah. It’s breathing.” I tapped each finger on my left hand against my thigh, one, two, three, four, five. Five, four, three, two, one.
“Alright, well, keep at it. It can be hard to clear your mind at first, but the more you practice, the easier it’ll get.” Gale paused to make a few notes on her clipboard. “When you start to panic, focusing on your breathing can help you calm down and break the obsession-compulsion cycle…”
Halie and I never talked about what happened with Chandra. It was easy to fall back into our routine; we were used to keeping our relationship quiet and now we had Chandra covering for us whenever we wanted to sneak away from Robotics. But our secret lurked behind the three of us, growing bigger and darker every time we glossed over it, and every time I turned my back on Chandra to follow Halie out of the room my stomach folded in on itself.
As competition season crept closer, I spent more time working with the mechanical team, learning how to use a bandsaw and solder wires together. Halie started leaving earlier and earlier until she stopped showing up altogether. I waited for her by my locker, like usual, but when the hallways emptied and the motion sensor lights clicked off, I sank to the ground and pulled my knees to my chest, and that’s how Chandra found me halfway through the meeting.
“Hey,” I said, looking up at her through red-rimmed eyes.
“Hey yourself,” she said, plopping down next to me. We sat in silence, soaking up each other’s company. Her voice was soft when she spoke again. “We don’t have to talk about it, but we can if you want.” I let out a shuddering breath and my head fell onto her shoulder.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I should’ve told you what was going on as soon as it started, but I was scared of how you’d react. And then when you found out anyway, I freaked out.”
“I’m sorry, too. I understand why you didn’t. I shouldn’t have let my feelings about Halie get in the way of supporting you, it’s just… The way the two of you became friends so quickly last year scared me. It felt like you were trying to replace me.”
“Oh, Chan. No one could ever replace you.” I snaked one arm between her back and the lockers, pulling her into my side. “Remember when we were seven and we found that dead rat in the woods? We’re trauma-bonded for life!”
“Ugh, don’t remind me! It’s weird, fleshy tail still haunts my nightmares sometimes.” The tension drained out of our bodies and we slumped against each other. “I just don’t like the way she looks at you.”
“What do you mean?” I asked, feeling a spike of panic pierce through my heart.
“Like she wants to swallow you whole.” I scoffed and rolled my eyes, but Chandra’s words burned my brain, leaving an imprint behind. “I just worry about you. After everything that happened last spring… I know you say you’re fine, but she tried to kill herself, Mee. It would be understandable if you weren’t.”
“I am fine. And she didn’t try to kill herself, it was an accident. But she doesn’t cut anymore, she’s been clean since November.” Chandra’s head swiveled and she shot a pointed look my way, eyebrows raised. A thread loosened in my brain but I stopped it in its tracks, shoving the exposed end back into the tangled ball of thoughts up there.
I scooted forward and used both hands to push myself up. My fingers twitched but I crushed the urge to tap in one balled-up fist, holding out my other hand to Chandra. “Now c’mon, we should probably go make sure Mechanical hasn’t gone rogue and messed up our design. They’re supposed to finish prototyping this week, right?”
In March, I went up to Milwaukee with Halie’s family for her brother’s basketball tournament. As soon as the hotel room door swung shut behind her family, Halie fell back onto the bed, boneless. My blood burst into flames, rushing to my head and scrambling my brain as I stood at the foot of the bed. She looked so pretty lying there with her eyelashes kissing her cheekbones and her auburn curls fanned out behind her head.
Maggots crawled up into my throat and my brain spiraled into overdrive, thinking about all the ways I was ruining her. After what happened during our freshman year, Halie’s parents trusted me in a way that made the hair on my arms stand up. I was the only one of her friends allowed to spend the night at their house. In the morning, their bright, full-moon smiles blinded me from across the kitchen table as we held hands and said grace over our pancakes. But I was sure they’d rather have a dead daughter than a gay one, and if they knew the things I’d done with Halie behind closed doors, they’d crucify me.
“C’mere,” Halie whined, lifting her arms and grabbing at the air above her. I chuckled and clambered onto the bed. With my limbs on either side of her body, I crawled up to her face and let my weight drop bit by bit until I draped over her like a blanket. Her legs wound around my waist, pulling me closer. “Finally, we’re alone.”
“Finally,” I muttered, leaning down to press my lips to hers. My anxiety faded away along with the room around us as my focus narrowed. Nothing else mattered except her.
That night, we came while grinding against each others’ thighs. Afterward, while we basked in the afterglow of a good orgasm, she curled up with her head on my chest. Time slowed down and settled over us like a thick caramel coating.
“I want to stay here forever,” she mumbled into the fabric of my sweatshirt. I giggled and tilted her head up. Her bright blue eyes blinked up at me.
“Me too,” I whispered, brushing a hand across her forehead to clear away the stray hairs there. I pressed my lips to the exposed skin and let them linger there. In the dark, with the soft glow of the TV softening her edges, I felt my heart filling until it was bursting, desperate to escape from my body and slip into hers. The words dripped from my mouth; gooey, underbaked thoughts. “I love you.” Halie’s body went rigid and that sweet, syrupy feeling melted away.
“I…um,” she stuttered, the words catching in her throat. Her face twisted up, and I wished I could swallow the words back up.
“Sorry, I don’t know why I said that.” I squeezed my eyes shut so I didn’t have to look at her anymore. “I think I’m just tired.”
“Me too.” She rolled off of me and disappeared into the bathroom. As I lay there, listening to the faucet running and wondering what the time limit was for peeing after sex, I could still feel my heartbeat pounding between my legs. It ached, balanced on the razor’s edge between pain and pleasure like my body wasn’t sure how to feel about what had just happened.
I buried my face in my pillow and pulled myself inwards until I was coiled up like a spring. Horror stories filled my thoughts; her mom, waking up to pee in the middle of the night and finding me curled around Halie. Or her dad, startling himself awake with a particularly forceful snore and catching us sneaking a secret midnight kiss. Worse still, what if I reached for her in the middle of the night and she pushed me away? On and on my brain spiraled until I exhausted myself and fell into a fitful sleep.
I put my heart on the line and Halie let it hang there, lingering between us like a bad smell. She started to pull away and left my texts sitting unread for hours at a time, only responding when she needed help with her homework or if her parents pissed her off. But every time my phone buzzed, I rushed to answer. No matter how bright my anger burned, I continued to give her what she needed, afraid that my silence would have deadly consequences. I shoved all my emotions down into my gut and focused on making sure she was okay.
“Are you going to robos tonight?” I asked one day between bathroom stall kisses. I knew the answer already, but hope lingered like a cockroach and I still asked every week.
“Can’t,” she murmured, leaning forward to try and capture my lips again.
“Oh, okay.” I tried to lose myself in kissing her but it was getting harder and harder to do. I pulled away. “It’s just… I was hoping we could spend some time together.”
“We’re together right now.” She slid her lips down my jaw and onto my neck.
“I know, but it would be nice to hang out somewhere other than a dirty bathroom.” I wrinkled my nose and gestured to the weird brown stain on the wall to our left. If we went somewhere we could breathe easier, maybe things would go back to the way they were before I opened my big, fat mouth and ruined everything.
“Then let’s go into the city this weekend.” She leaned in for one more kiss and the sparkle in her eyes was darker, more sinister. I knew she had a plan starting to formulate.
“You know, we could just go get ice cream instead,” I suggested as we biked down Main Street toward the train station. “Olde Towne is open late on Fridays now.”
“This is supposed to be a special date,” she said, echoing the words she had used to convince me to sneak out with her. “There’s nothing special about Olde Towne. Besides, there’s a football game tonight and everybody will be there after.” I cast a longing glance over my shoulder at the little ice cream shop, pedaling faster to catch up with her.
“This is it!” Halie squealed as we rounded the corner onto Halsted Street. I was just as excited to see the little club as she was; after the long train ride into the city followed by a half-hour bus trip north, my bladder was about to explode.
The inside was magical, with bright lights and a rainbow of people spread out before my eyes. We folded ourselves into the edge of the crowded dance floor, bopping our heads to the beat of the music as we shuffled our way to the bathroom. On our way back into the main area, Haile pulled me to the side and snatched a half-full cup off an empty cocktail table. My hand shot out to take it from her, returning it to the table.
“That could be drugged!” I yelled so she could hear me over the music.
“You think?” She asked. Her hand twitched toward the abandoned drink as if that made her want it even more. I looked from her to the cup and then back to her and heaved a sigh.
“Fine, let’s go buy a non-drugged drink.” I dragged her away from the table and over to the bar where we exchanged crumpled bills for vodka lemonades.
The first sip sparked like electricity on my tongue, sending a jolt through my body. I wrinkled my nose and narrowed my eyes at the plastic cup in my hand before taking another sip. I didn’t get the appeal. It just tasted like really shitty lemonade. After a few minutes, though, the alcohol started to eat away my anxiety and quieted the voice in the back of my head that insisted on reminding me of all the ways that this could go terribly, horribly, irrevocably wrong.
Things got fuzzy after that. We shoved our way to the middle of the dance floor, Halie’s hands on my hips and my fingers tangled in her hair. I’m pretty sure we did the Cupid Shuffle at one point, but it all blurred together like a montage in a coming-of-age movie. For once, we didn’t have to hide or worry about who was watching. We were just two girls dancing in a sea of bodies where people of all genders were grinding up against each other and making out.
The night started to sharpen again after we left the club, spilling out onto the street in a tangle of limbs and giggles. The temperature had dropped and we leaned against each other for support and warmth, tripping over each others’ feet as we retraced our steps back to the bus station. We were three blocks away when two cops appeared.
“Have you girls been drinking tonight?” the one on the left asked, shining his flashlight in our eyes. My heart rate skyrocketed and Halie slipped her hand down my arm and into mine, tugging on it. My stomach lurched as she turned on her heel and started running, dragging me away behind her. I threw every ounce of energy I had left into putting as much distance between us and them as possible.
When their footsteps faded and then disappeared, we slowed down and Halie pulled me into an alley. I bent over, bracing my hands on my knees, and threw up all over her shoes. It came out in spurts alongside shuddering breaths. Halie stared at me with her mouth hanging open. I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and pulled my shoulders back. It felt like someone had dumped a bucket of ice water over my head. I’d always been content to follow Halie wherever she wanted to go, but this time she went too far, exposing the cracks in our
relationship. They were much deeper than I thought.
“Why the fuck did you run?” I whispered, not wanting to call any more attention to us.
“What?” She asked through a burst of laughter. “It’s not that big of a deal.” Her eyes disappeared for a second as she rolled them. “You just puked on my shoes, so I think we’re even.” Her nose crinkled as she shook her feet to try and get the vomit off. All of the air drained from my lungs in one incredulous sigh and then it was my turn to laugh.
“It’s not funny,” she said, crossing her arms and pouting at me. I wheezed with the effort it took to stop.
“I don’t think you like me very much,” I said, narrowing my eyes at her.
“What do you mean?” She shook the shock out of her eyes. “You’re my best friend, of course I like you.” I took a step back.
“I think you just like that I always come running whenever you call. I’ve got my own shit going on, I can’t keep putting your needs before my own.” I took another step back. Halie’s jaw snapped shut and she lunged forward to grab me.
“You can’t just leave me here!” she cried, digging her nails into my forearm.
“I didn’t even want to do this in the first place,” I spat. “But you’ve never cared about what I want unless it was something that you wanted too.” I wrenched my arm out of her grip. The jagged edges of her nails caught on my skin. Both of us stared at the bright crimson streaks left behind in their wake.
The memories flashed behind my eyes like I was watching them through a View-Master. I remembered biking to her house, screaming at my legs to pump faster, pushing through the burning in my thighs by imagining her dad’s face beneath my pedals. Click. Knocking on the front door until my knuckles split open. Click. Shoving my way past her mom, hearing her dad’s footsteps thundering up the stairs behind me. Click. Clutching Halie’s limp, bloody arm to my chest. Click. Lights flashing through her bedroom window, blue-red, blue-red. Click. The ambulance doors swinging shut, sirens wailing. Click. Screams tearing my throat to shreds and my dad dragging me away, tucking me into the backseat of his car. Click.
I had to get away. As I started to turn around, she whispered, “I’m sorry, Mia.” Her eyes glistened and I felt my heart split in two. I loved Halie as a best friend first and I desperately wanted to rewind the last few months. For a while, I was able to pretend that we felt the same things, but I couldn’t keep putting myself out there, hoping she’d finally see the real me and love me for it. I had to face the cold, hard truth, even though it felt like a feral cat trying to claw its way out of my chest.
“Yeah, I’m sorry, too.” I took a deep breath. “But you’re going to destroy yourself. I won’t let you destroy me, too.” Cradling my bleeding arm to my chest, I turned around and walked away. I focused on putting one foot in front of the other as guilt bubbled in my stomach and up into my throat, choking me. It felt like there was a bungee cord hooked into my back. The further I walked, the urge to turn around and return to Halie grew stronger. But I pushed through it and kept going until I felt the cord snap, and then I deflated like a leftover birthday balloon.
I scrolled through my contact list and hesitated with my finger hovering above Halie’s name. I swallowed down the bile that rose in the back of my throat as it hit me that I just left her there alone in an alley in the middle of the night. If something happened to her, if she did something stupid, it would be my fault. My fingers started tapping against my thigh, but this time, my therapist’s voice interrupted my anxiety spiral. When you start to panic, focusing on your breathing can help you calm down and break the obsession-compulsion cycle. I closed my eyes and tried to slow down my breath. In through the nose for four seconds, hold for seven, and exhale for eight. In, hold, out. In, hold, out. Each cycle slowed my racing heart down and I kept going until my chest stopped stuttering.
When I opened my eyes, I scrolled past Halie’s name and pressed Chandra’s instead. She answered on the first ring.
“Hey, Mee, what’s up?” She asked, shouting over the Fortnite game in the background. “I’m downtown,” I said. “Can you come pick me up?”