B.A.S.I.C.ally, I Find You Attractive

FRANCIS GOLM

TRIGGER WARNING: Implied Sexual Assault & Date Rape

(A game model of a Gamer Gater’s ideative process.)

Abstract:

Incels, Pick Up Artists and Males Rights Activists inhabit the ‘Manosphere.’  

Ever wonder how these individuals anticipate a date?

TIP:

Win the game and secure sex BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY…  GOTO 001.

—————————————————————————————

001 If your nonversation is about to end, make some bad jokes based on puns.  This will establish you as non-threatening.  Curl off, “I’m just off to shake hands with your soon to be best friend,” as you nonchalantly traipse to the toilet.

        If she is present when you return GOTO 002

        If she is absent GOTO 003

002 Make yourself appear attractive by listing the obvious deficiencies of males in the vicinity.  Compare yourself to them.  Invoke sympathy by saying, “Why do they get everything in life handed to them?”

        If she waters you with the pity you so need to thrive

GOTO 004

        If the grimace of her social nicety spasms into a rictus of         disgust

GOTO 005

003 Fester.  Obsess about the event.  Inquire about her through mutual connections.  Create a schedule of her week gleaned from social media.  Intersperse this detective work with brief moments of clarity that bring you face to face with your pathetic inhibitions, fears, and insecurities.  Suppress this self-knowledge through fantasy and suicidal ideation.  Seethe over the cruel jokes she’s making you the butt of.  Diatribe on the internet chat rooms where you troll about the heartless prick teasers getting off on their power games.  Stay indoors.  Your confidence will slowly ebb to a level that permits tolerance of human society.  

        And then, inevitably, GOTO 001

004 Mention a social event she might like to go to.  Arrange to meet at a specific time and date but don’t mention the word date, or that it’ll be just the two of you. 

        If she demurs GOTO 006   

        If she accepts GOTO  008

005 Feign a panic attack.  

        If she attends to you GOTO 007 

        If she is absent when you compose yourself GOTO 003

006 Tell her about how last time you felt this low you chugged on a bottle of bleach.  You chose bleach because it kills 99% of germs.  List an itinerary of things wrong with you.  

        If she counters your itinerary GOTO 008  

        If the cold-hearted harridan does not GOTO 005

007 You are in the safest zone possible.  Relax.  Talk openly about yourself.  Enjoy her company.  See her ever more regularly, become friends.  Grow embittered as things do not progress.  Introduce pointed comments into your conversation.  Repeatedly ask why you never seem to meet anyone.

        If she tolerates this behavior GOTO 010

        If she confronts you about your guilt trips GOTO 011

008 Panic as the date approaches.  Experience self hate at your cowardice.  Send fewer and more callous texts.  

        If she calls off the date GOTO 006

        If she accepts this GOTO 009

009 The date goes bad, as you knew it would.  She’s always criticizing.  At the end, you are almost relieved.  Would you really want to be with someone whose standards were so low as to admit you?

        GOTO 004

010 Mention how slutty she is more often, citing the places she goes, the mentality of her friends, and the clothes she wears.  Send her that email attachment innocently referencing the situation [GOTO 014 THEN return here].  Never mention such attachments.  If she brings the subject up, explain she’s paranoid because it’s circular.  Beg her to have sex with you.  Repeat as necessary.  

        If she cracks GOTO 012 

        If she gives you an ultimatum GOTO 013

011 Pretend you don’t understand what she is referring to.  Zone out and ride the storm.  Agree with anything she says.  Make it up to her with a treat you know will placate her.  Move on.  Ask her to set you up with one of her girlfriends.  Kill yourself.  Who cares?  You’re scum and everyone knows it.  Deep down, you know it too.  

        GOTO 001

012 The thing you remember the most is she took no initiative.  Afterward, you tell her how good she was in your head and how paltry she is in comparison.  Leave before she can even begin to bore you with a rebuttal.  

        GOTO 001

013 Use this opportunity to scald her with all your vitriol.  Make use of the props available — manage to break some non-expensive items that look good when hurled at walls.  Locate the plasterboard and put your fist through it with ease.  Make a big deal about this.  Enjoy the illusion of strength it affords.  Give her the opportunity to relent.  

        If you secretly know women find violence sexy  GOTO 012

        If she opposes you or threatens to phone the police

GOTO 011

————————————————————————————————

014 Appendix to B.A.S.I.C.ally, I Find You Attractive

Email Attachment

FW:

I’m sorry
That my body’s not ripped enough
to “satisfy” your wants

I’m sorry
That I am actually nice;
not a jerk

I’m sorry
I would rather make love to you then just screw you
like some random guy.

I’m sorry
That I am always the one you need to talk to,
but never good enough to date

I’m sorry
That I always held your hair back when you threw up, that I am there to pick you up at 4 a.m., when your new man hit you and dropped you off in the middle of nowhere,
but not good enough to listen to me when I need a friend

I’m sorry
If I start not being there because it hurts being used as a doormat, only to be thrown to the side when the new jerk comes around

I’m sorry
If I don’t answer my phone anymore when you call, to listen to you cry for hours, instead of getting a couple hours of sleep before work

I’m sorry
that you can’t realize… I’ve been the one all along.

But most of all

I’m sorry
For not being sorry anymore

CONCLUSION:

Ladies always complain and gripe to their friends that there are never any good guys out there, and they always end up with assholes who mistreat them.

 Well, ladies next time you’re complaining, maybe look up to see who you’re complaining to, maybe that special someone is right there hanging on your every word, as usual, screaming in his head “Why won’t you give me a chance?”

RETURN to 010


Francis Golm is funny boo-hoo-hoo and ha-ha-ha.  He’s been in many magazines.  Performed many places.  Has degrees and STIs.  BA, MA, PGCE, PTSD, DID.  When he isn’t creating he is helping autistic people live life to the max as a support worker.  See his award-winning filmpoems here: www.youtube.com/zorki28

Image Credit: “Cat’s Cradle” by Mane Hovhannisyan

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